


Anything Worth This Feeling

by then00breturns1101



Series: The Heart is Hard to Translate [5]
Category: HLVRAI- FANDOM, Half-Life
Genre: Angst, Autistic Benrey (Half-Life), Autistic Tommy Coolatta, Buckle up folks, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Establishing healthy boundaries, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hard of Hearing Bubby, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Medical Trauma, Misunderstandings, Needles, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), Touch-Starved, Trans Gordon Freeman, Trauma, Xe/Xem Pronouns for Bubby, canon-typical discussion of the dick slip, hugs and cuddling, more trauma!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/then00breturns1101/pseuds/then00breturns1101
Summary: There is a lot that Gordon and Benrey still don't know about each other. They can talk about that at their own pace, right?Turns out their pace is not one they expected. Some help may be necessary.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman & Joshua Freeman, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: The Heart is Hard to Translate [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2152068
Comments: 183
Kudos: 165





	1. It Cries Out In the Darkest Nights

**Author's Note:**

> after last chapter's fluff, it's time for something to balance it out
> 
> also, illustrations by my friend have been added to some of the past works if you want to check them out! :)

Gordon was jolted awake by the feeling of about forty pounds of child landing straight on him. He grunted as the breath was knocked out of him.

“Gh—Joshie, jus’ tap me awake next time,” he mumbled as his hand felt around on the nightstand for his glasses. He put them on and blinked his eyes open, focusing on his son bouncing eagerly on the mattress next to him. “Good morning, cowboy.”

“Good morning daddy,” Joshua signed back. “Can we make chocolate chip pancakes please?”

Gordon yawned and picked up his prosthetic to attach. “Mmm… sounds good, but I’m gonna need a kitchen helper.”

“I can help!”

“Great, it’s a deal, then. Gimme a minute and I’ll be right out, okay kiddo?” said Gordon as he pushed the blanket off and sat at the edge of the bed. Joshua ran off out of the room, leaving him alone with the morning sunlight illuminating the motes of dust floating about the room. Today felt like a day where he just wanted to feel… calm. Warm. The weather had been growing steadily colder and the days shorter, but ever since Joshua came back, the house always felt bright. He really had a way of making the days feel special.

And that day did feel special. He and Joshua made a bit of a mess of the kitchen while preparing the chocolate chip pancakes, and Benrey offered to help clean while Gordon got Joshua ready. They took him out to the playground until lunchtime, and Benrey looked completely enamored by the gradients of leaf colors on the trees.

Gordon was starting to wonder just how often they’d ever been outside in their life. He didn’t think the answer would be one he liked. Better to just enjoy the moment until they went home again.

* * *

Benrey walked into the living room later that day to the sight of Joshua sitting on the couch and Gordon on the floor in front of him, a pile of colorful hairties, clips, and bows in his lap. Joshua’s hands were busy braiding together a few strands of Gordon’s hair, his tongue stuck out in concentration.

“What’s, uh, going on here?” Benrey asked, looking curiously at the heap of hair accessories. Joshua held out his hand and Gordon placed a butterfly-shaped clip into it, which Joshua then affixed to the end of the braid.

“Joshie wanted to do my hair,” Gordon chuckled. “Said it needed to be decorated.” Benrey snorted in response and sat on the couch next to Joshua.

“Looks pretty. Uh, looks pretty—good—colorful,” they stammered, hoping their throat wasn’t glowing too bright. It certainly felt like it was. “You should be on TV.”

“What, like a runway model?”

“Yeah, or maybe, uh, a nature show about rainbow porcupines.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Dude, that wasn’t even good. You gotta up your insult game.”

“Nah, not worth the trouble. You just look silly ‘s all,” Benrey said as they flicked a tuft of hair that was sticking out of what could liberally be described as a bun, but was more like a ponytail twisted on itself and haphazardly clipped together with barrettes. “Ten out of ten clown college Gee Pee Ay.”

“GPA?? That’s not even graded out of ten! It’s out of like, four!”

“Maybe it’s out of ten at college. How would you know?” They leaned onto the arm of the couch, looking down at Gordon with a cheeky smile.

“I literally have a PHD, dude. I went to university for eight years.”

“Well, you didn’t graduate from _clown_ college, didja? Don’t have that Pretty Huge D—” A fierce warning glare from Gordon cut Benrey off before they could say something incredibly stupid in front of Joshua. Shit. They had to finish the word, what’s clown related circus related, shit!

“—Dimmadome,” they sputtered. “Pretty Huge, uh, Dimmsdale Dimmadome.” Nice save.

The near slip-up combined with Benrey’s frantic recovery had Gordon’s glare turning into giggles as he doubled over, knocking out a couple hair clips. Joshua blew a raspberry at them both for interrupting his work, which only made Benrey—and then Joshua himself—join the collective giggle fit.

Joshua looked up at Benrey as their laughing petered out and reached for his tablet.

“Can you help me?” he asked once his hand could reach the screen, then pointed to Gordon’s hair. Benrey blinked.

“Uh, help with what?”

Joshua tugged them over by the sleeve and guided their hand to Gordon’s head, resting it in his hair.

Benrey’s first thought was _wow, his hair was nice to touch._

Their second thought was _oh shit, was he okay with this?_

Their third thought was _why hadn’t he pushed them away?_

Benrey’s hand was frozen on the spot, held there by Joshua, though they could’ve easily overcome his grip on their hoodie. Shit. Shit. They should—they gotta ask. Right. No touching without asking, that’s an important rule, they broke it all the time in Black Mesa and it did not turn out very well.

“This—this ok?” they stammered, watching carefully for Gordon’s reaction. To their surprise, and delight, he nodded.

“On one condition,” he replied, and Benrey could hear the grin in his voice. “We get to do your hair afterwards.”

Benrey considered their options. On the one hand, they could get to touch Gordon’s hair a whole bunch and then have him touch their hair. On the other, they could have neither of those things happen.

It was a very clear choice.

“Yeah bro, you’re on, bedazzle the heck out of my hair,” said Benrey with a grin. Joshua hummed eagerly as he handed Benrey some hair ties and let them get to work. Shit. Now they had to actually _do_ something, didn’t they? This couldn’t be too hard. They could… braid. Yeah. They remembered how to braid. Tommy had taught them years ago with some threads of yarn he’d brought to the lab in his pocket.

They had made matching bracelets that day. Benrey’s had been discarded. They wondered if Tommy still had his.

They were pulled back to reality by the feeling of Gordon’s hair between their fingers. Right. They were braiding hair, not a bracelet, but it couldn’t be too different, right? Pick three strands, make sure they’re smooth, and just start alternating. The motions were as comforting as they were familiar, despite the added jitteriness of such physical proximity.

When the first little braid was finished, Joshua handed them a flower-shaped clip and Benrey fixed it to the end. They let go and the braid fell back down, lost among the eclectic and colorful assortment of accessories all mixed up in Gordon’s hair.

One down, a few more to go. Benrey brushed aside another section of hair and got right back to braiding.

They did run out of room to decorate eventually, with almost every bit of hair clipped aside or braided or pulled into a ponytail at unusual angles. Joshua tapped Gordon’s shoulder and he pulled himself to his feet again.

“Alright, your turn, Benrey.” He turned around and gave their shoulder a playful nudge. “Unless you’re chickening out?”

Benrey batted his hand away and slid off the couch. “Nah, go ham. Free real estate up there.” They pulled their hat off and held it in their lap, still fidgeting with the strings as they tried not to feel nervous. This would be okay. Gordon and Joshua weren’t going to hurt him or anything.

That didn’t stop them from flinching when they first felt a hand brushing against their head. Gordon pulled his hand back.

“You okay man?” he asked, and the genuine worry in his voice made a lump form in Benrey’s throat. “If you really don’t want us to do it, you don’t have to. It’s just for fun.”

“N-nah, I’m good,” they said, putting their smile back on. “Just startled me. Go ahead and start the epic makeover.” This time, when Benrey felt hands threading through their hair, they didn’t flinch. It was okay. They’d be okay.

As Gordon and Joshua brushed their messy hair smooth, Benrey’s eyes started to slide shut. Peach-pink sweet voice drifted about as they sighed and leaned into the hand currently cradling their head. They didn’t know what it was about this, but the touch just made them feel… safe. Warm, happy, and safe.

It wasn’t hard to just lean back and sink into the gentle movements and tugs, never once being pulled hard enough to hurt or getting poked with the pointy part of a hair clip. Benrey couldn’t even care about the mess their hair must be in—not that appearance had ever been their first priority. They sighed contentedly as a heavy, foggy sensation crowded their head. It felt like they were going to…

 _Oh._ They were going to fall asleep— _actually_ fall asleep, like everyone else did, not just zoning out and laying there with their eyes closed and bored out of their mind. Was this what sleeping was actually supposed to feel like? No wonder humans did it so much, this was great.

Benrey yawned, some light green and blue bubbles mixing among the peach. Their head rested against the edge of the couch cushions as the soft touches lulled them to the first sleep they could remember having.

* * *

Joshua was the first to notice that Benrey had, honest-to-goodness, completely fallen asleep. He tapped Gordon’s shoulder and put his finger over his own mouth.

“Quiet, Benny’s asleep,” Joshua signed and pointed to them. Gordon looked down to confirm, and sure enough, his roommate was out like a light, with the only movement being slow, even breaths. It occurred to him that he didn’t think he’d ever seen them _sleep._

Benrey’s face looked soft and peaceful in contrast to the colorful chaos their hair was tied up in. Their eyes were shut and their mouth was just slightly open, and it was the most relaxed they’d ever looked to him. It would be kind of a dick move to wake them up now, wouldn’t it?

“How about we make a puzzle and let them take a nap?” Gordon signed, getting a nod from Joshua in reply. “Alright, I’ll be there in just a sec.”

Joshua hopped off the couch and went to his room while Gordon scooped Benrey up in his arms and laid them down on the couch as gently as he could. He tucked their blanket over them and sighed. There was a brief consideration of giving them a kiss on the forehead, but Gordon pushed the thought—and the blush rising in his cheeks—down. Nope, that was—that was not going to happen right now. Not the time.

He might be oblivious sometimes, but Gordon wasn’t completely stupid. He could tell that his attitude towards Benrey was veering into the unknown, but there was no need to jump to conclusions. Whatever weird feelings were going on, he could deal with them later.

* * *

Benrey ended up sleeping through the entire afternoon and into the evening, so Joshua and Gordon ate dinner together and went to bed quietly without waking them up. Gordon normally stayed up way later than this though, so he wasn’t tired enough to sleep yet. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself as time went by.

He was mindlessly scrolling through his phone, half under the blanket and putting off going to sleep, when he heard a strangled shout from the living room. His heart leapt into his throat and he threw the blanket aside to run out the door. Shit. Shit. Joshua—Benrey— what happened?

He got a tentative answer when he saw black and white sweet voice bubbles swarming around the room, their staticky tones not quite loud enough to drown out pained whimpers and sobs coming from behind the couch.

“Benrey?” Gordon’s heart sped up as he stepped around to the other side. “Benrey— _shit._ ” His breath left him with a wince as he saw the state they were in.

Benrey sat with their knees pulled up to their chest, arms and hands curled protectively over their head. More black and white spilled and spread around with every shuddering, shallow breath they took. A closer look revealed that the glow wasn’t just limited to the air around them—their whole chest pulsed with sporadic flashes of light.

This was—this was _bad._ Even their panic attack on the first night was nothing like this—they hadn’t been sobbing then, they weren’t—fuck—

“Benrey, hey, hey man, it’s okay. Can you hear me?” Gordon whispered as he knelt in front of them. There was no reply to his question. “I’m… I’m gonna come closer now, okay? It’s just me, it’s Gordon, I won’t hurt you. I promise. It’s okay.”

Inch by painstaking inch, he made his way towards Benrey. There still wasn’t any acknowledgement from them—could they not hear him? —and the sweet voice’s noise was only growing harsher and more dissonant the closer he got.

“I’m gonna—I’m going to put my hand on your arm, okay? I won’t hurt you.” He reached out and brushed his palm against Benrey’s arm, bracing himself for a reaction. It was immediate—they slapped his hand away and scrambled back, wheezing breaths coming out as growls. Their pupils were razor-thin slits, tears were smeared across their flushed face, and everything about their expression screamed _terror._

It hurt just to look at.

“Benrey, Benrey, it’s me,” Gordon repeated, trying to keep a tremor out of his voice. “You’re here. You’re home. You’re safe.” He kept his hand outstretched, waiting for Benrey to… well, hopefully, to snap out of their blind panic so he could help.

Their eyes darted to the side, down, and then back at him. They blinked. When their mouth opened to say something, though, all that came out was another raspy cry and more black and white sweet voice.

“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t—you don’t have to talk, okay? You’ll be alright. You’re safe. You, uh…” the memory of how Benrey had melted into his touch earlier that day resurfaced. “You want a hug?”

Gordon held his arms open in invitation, watching as Benrey blinked a couple more times before giving a shaky nod. By the time he’d shuffled towards them and his hand touched theirs, Benrey had latched onto him and was clinging to his shirt like a lifeline. Their shoulders shook violently as gasping sobs wracked their body again.

Gordon wrapped his arms around Benrey, holding them tight against his chest as he let them cry it out. Even though his hand rubbing against their back was moving calmly and steadily, his mind was racing. What _happened?_ His first guess was a nightmare, but what on earth had happened to Benrey to provoke _this?_

There was something painful about the way they gasped for breath in between bouts of tears. Not just an empathetic kind of pain triggered by the rattling sound in their throat. This was a visceral reaction, concern that reared up in all its urgency at the sight of someone he cared about in so much distress, the need to ease their suffering.

“It’s okay,” Gordon whispered, trying to provide some kind of reassurance. “It’s okay, Benrey. It’s okay. I got you. You’re safe. Nothing’s—nothing’s gonna happen to you now. It’s alright.” He kept rubbing circles into their back and murmuring to them as their sobs subsided to shaky breaths and sniffling.

“Hey, I—I’m gonna ask some stuff, and it’s okay if you can’t talk right now. You can tap my back once for yes and twice for no, alright?” he whispered to them. After a few seconds of silence broken only by the sound of Benrey’s breaths, Gordon felt a single tap on his back.

The relief that washed over him was immediate. _Thank fuck._ Benrey wasn’t okay, no, but at least they were present. They could hear him. Their mind wasn’t still stuck in… in _whatever_ had scared them so terribly. With that crumb of safety to hold onto, Gordon started talking again.

“Do you want me to keep hugging you?”

_Tap._

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

_Tap tap._

“Are you okay?”

_Tap tap._

Right, that was probably kind of a dumb question to ask. He had never seen Benrey look _less_ okay. As Gordon brought a hand up to rest on their head, he realized their hair was still full of the miscellaneous clips and ribbons that Joshua had scattered through it.

“Can I take the clips out of your hair?”

_Tap._

Gordon nodded and started to tug at one of the elastics to loosen it. When Benrey flinched and froze in his arms, he stilled and moved his hand away. Before he could ask for another go-ahead or if they wanted him to stop, he felt another single _tap_ against his back and Benrey’s face nudging his chest.

He put his hand against their head again and removed the first plastic clip, tossing it aside to the ground. Benrey flinched again at the touch but gave Gordon another _tap_ to keep going. The second clip removed let loose a lock of hair that had become tangled and messy, so Gordon combed his fingers through the strands to smooth it out again. To his surprise, Benrey leaned into his hand instead of away.

“Is this alright?” Gordon whispered. Benrey tapped his back again and he nodded. The elastic at the end of a crooked braid was next to be removed. He rolled the band off with his fingernails until it fell to the floor. This time, Gordon wasn’t as hesitant in untangling Benrey’s hair. They tilted their head into his palm, and he let his hand stay there just a bit longer.

As the minutes went by, the soft, gentle caresses had eased Benrey’s violent shaking to only the occasional shudder. Each time they flinched or winced at the the feeling of a stray hair getting caught in a clip or tangled in a hairtie, Gordon was quick to soothe them with a whisper and a reassuring touch until they gave him a _tap_ to continue.

When the last accessory was finally released, Gordon hugged Benrey a bit tighter and felt them grip his shirt in return. He ran his hand through their hair and spoke again.

“I’m going to move us to the couch, is that alright?”

_Tap._

With that confirmation, he scooped them up in his arms and sat on the couch, Benrey cradled in his lap as he kept his arms looped around them. In a different situation, Gordon would probably be second-guessing himself or feeling awkward about it. He’d been hesitant to show outward physical affection to Benrey for fear of provoking more of the jabs and comments they’d pestered him with in Black Mesa.

Seeing how they clung to him now, not a thread of humor in their expression, made Gordon start to question how many of those requests for hugs and kisses actually _were_ jokes. Benrey took a shuddering breath in and Gordon rubbed their shoulder with his thumb.

One of their hands released his shirt and they pulled back a little. Gordon was about to ask if they wanted to be left alone when he noticed they were fingerspelling.

“ _S-T-A-Y?”_ Benrey signed, raising their eyebrows to indicate a question just like he’d taught them. Their eyes wouldn’t meet Gordon’s, but the lingering tremble in their shoulders and the tear stains on their cheeks were enough to tell him their request was nothing but sincere.

“Yeah, I can stay,” he whispered and pulled them in again. There was no hesitation on Benrey’s part in wrapping their arms back around him and burying their face in the crook of Gordon’s neck. He smiled and huffed out a fond sigh. Whatever emotional storm had crashed through Benrey, it seemed to have passed. It was over for now. They were going to have to talk in the morning, of course. Figure out what happened, why, and what could be done if it happened again.

A morning-after conversation on how to help. Just like Benrey had initiated when Gordon was on the other end of the breakdown. That feeling of uncertainty, of wondering if this was really even _Benrey,_ surfaced again. He dismissed it. No, this wasn’t some weird fake or anything like that. This was Benrey, through and through, despite how different they were now. And they _were_ different. They’d changed for the better. They had grown.

And he was _so_ proud of them.

The fact that Gordon had voiced that last thought out loud didn’t register with him before he drifted off to the comforting weight and warmth of Benrey in his arms.

* * *

_“I’m proud of you.”_

It had been quiet, but Benrey would swear on their life—on all of their lives, however many they had left—that Gordon _had_ said it. Their uncertainty on whether the praise was earned couldn’t stop them from basking in it.

They still wanted to get better. They wanted to _be_ better, for everyone. To maybe amount to something that would be worth it—worth the trouble, worth the effort, just _anything_ worth this feeling of safety and caring that was enough to overwhelm their memories and lull them back to a true, peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Peachy blush means I like this touch_   
>  _Grassy green to blue means it’s time to snooze_   
>  _White and black means [???]_


	2. The Grand Deeds of Great Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for the lore :)  
> and for an update to the tags

Gordon started coming into consciousness with the feeling of a heavy weight on his chest. For a moment, he panicked—having his breathing restricted was not something that was reassuring. His eyes snapped open and just as he was about to jerk away from whatever was on top of him, the memory of last night hit.

The breakdown. The crying. Holding Benrey close until they calmed down enough to, apparently, fall asleep on him. By the looks of it, they were still out. Their breaths were even and steady, though the tear tracks on their cheeks betrayed their past state. Gordon leaned his head back against the armrest of the couch and lay his hand on Benrey’s head.

 _Fuck._ What now? He had no idea what had happened. To him, Benrey had always been terrifying, especially on Xen. He still had nightmares about that fight. So, whatever it was that could scare _Benrey_ so badly…

Gordon felt like he was on the edge of a precipice, looking down. Taking a single step forward to find out what was going on could lead him headfirst into things he wasn’t sure he wanted to see. It would be easier to step back. Pretend this had never happened and go along as normal. Knowing Benrey, they’d probably be glad to avoid that difficult conversation.

But it was only prolonging the inevitable. Only adding more pressure to the time bomb that would inevitably burst. Only increasing the likelihood that the next breakdown would be worse.

All of that, and it was cowardly—just leaving Benrey alone to shoulder whatever pain they’d been put through. Even though some part of Gordon felt vindicated that he wasn’t the only one who’d been through hell, his heart just ached for them. Whatever the cause of their trauma was, he was fairly certain no one could _deserve_ it.

As much as he wanted to help, Gordon knew he couldn’t do it alone. He just didn’t know enough about what was going on. He needed someone with experience, someone who was good at talking to people, someone who knew Benrey well.

Someone, for instance, like Tommy. Gordon pulled his phone out of his pocket and wrote a quick text.

_Hey tommy, can we meet up to talk today? Something happened with Benrey and idk how to help_

It was a few minutes later when his phone buzzed with a reply.

_Sure! You can come over this afternoon. Are they okay? :(_

_I dunno,_ Gordon answered. _Had a complete breakdown last night. Theyre asleep now_

This time, he hardly had to wait five seconds for another text.

_Was there any sweet voice?_

Gordon tried to remember what he saw. The first time Benrey broke down, there had been plenty of different muddy and dark shades, but this time it was just…

 _Black and white,_ he wrote. _No gradient, just black and white._

Tommy’s typing bubble appeared and disappeared several times before his reply came.

_That’s bad. I’ll come get you in a couple hours. Will they be okay on their own in your house? We shouldn’t be gone long._

Oh. That—okay. This was serious, then. He should probably wake Benrey up. Gordon sent one quick _okay_ text to Tommy and put his phone away again. He didn’t really want to disturb Benrey. They looked so peaceful and calm. After their breakdown last night, they’d need the rest…

He ran his hand through their hair again and leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. Maybe he could enjoy this just a little longer. Let Benrey get some more sleep. Make sure they’d be okay when they—

Gordon heard the quiet hum of sweet voice and looked back down. Benrey was staring back up at him. Their eyes were wide and peachy pink bubbles floated out of their half-open mouth.

“Hey man, uh, you okay?” asked Gordon in a whisper. “You had kind of a rough night there…”

Benrey blinked, eyes still fixed on him, and finally nodded. They looked over at Gordon’s hand, still resting against their head.

“Oh yeah, uh, that… seemed to calm you down. Earlier. The hugging and stuff. Is that alright?”

They nodded and lay their head back down on his chest. A whisper of a smile tugged at their lips. Gordon found himself wishing he could stay like this as long as possible, just holding them and keeping them safe from whatever had terrorized them, but… everything had to come to an end. He nudged their shoulder and they looked back up at him.

“Sorry man, I know you’re comfy, but we gotta get up. It’s already pretty late.”

Benrey scowled and rolled off of him, but their childishly pouty expression—complete with tongue sticking out—assured Gordon that they weren’t truly upset. He picked up their chullo from where it was draped on the back of the couch and tossed it at them.

“Gonna be out for a bit, think you can keep an eye on Joshie while I’m gone? Lunch, naptime, all that?” Gordon asked them as he stretched his neck. Ow. No more sleeping on the couch. Benrey nodded as they tugged the hat back on.

“Yeah bro. Super babysitter here. No problems.”

Alright. Good to see they looked like they were doing better. Back to their regular joking Benrey self.

The rest of the morning passed quickly in its mundane routine. Neither Gordon nor Benrey uttered a word about what had transpired the night before, and judging by the fact Joshua hadn’t asked any questions, Gordon assumed he hadn’t been woken up by the ordeal. That was probably for the better.

It wasn’t long, though, before Gordon got the text from Tommy saying he was outside. Right. This conversation had to happen, he reminded himself. It would suck, but it was necessary.

“Alright, I’m going. I’ll be back this afternoon,” Gordon called from the front door into the living room where Joshua and Benrey were watching a movie—was that Megamind?

“Cool. Where you going?” asked Benrey, not looking up from the TV.

“Uh, grocery shopping with Tommy. Getting stuff for a—surprise recipe.” Well, shit. Now they would actually have to _go_ grocery shopping, and he would have to come up with a surprise recipe, whatever that was supposed to be.

Joshua, luckily, didn’t seem to notice anything weird. He flapped eagerly at the mention of a surprise recipe, earning a smile from Benrey as they replied.

“Right, have fun bro.”

With that, Gordon walked out of the house and up to Tommy’s car parked in front. The passenger door slid open and he sat down inside.

“Hi Mr. Freeman! I brought Sunkist with me, I hope you don’t mind.” Tommy smiled at him as Sunkist in the backseat gave an appreciative woof. “Did you—did you want to talk at my place?”

“Uh, sure, but I did tell Benrey we were going grocery shopping. Think we can stop by the store?” Gordon asked as he buckled himself in. He didn’t really like lying, so if they did actually buy things, it wouldn’t technically be a lie. Plus, they’d be able to have some fun cooking together and unwinding after this… _heavy_ conversation.

“Of course! We can talk while we, uh, while I drive.” Tommy started the ignition and set off. Gordon looked absently out the window, not really paying attention to their surroundings as they all blurred together. “I’ll… start by telling you what the wh—what the sweet voice meant.”

Tommy paused, drawing Gordon’s attention in his hesitation. Quiet Tommy was serious Tommy, and he only got serious when things were _bad._ Gordon’s anxiety was confirmed when the silence was finally broken.

“White and black is a flashback,” Tommy said, not taking his eyes off the road. “Benrey had—they must have had a flashback triggered by something.” The quiet returned, smothered by the low rumble of the car and the weight of Tommy’s words.

“Maybe a nightmare triggered it?” Gordon asked, to an answering nod from Tommy. Fuck. Okay. No wonder they’d been so messed up that night. But if Benrey had a flashback, that begged the question— “A flashback to _what_?”

Tommy’s mouth pressed into a thin line and his brow creased. Every second of hesitation on his part only made Gordon’s fears grow.

Something had happened to Benrey. Something bad, something deep, something that must have left emotional scars that never got the chance to completely heal. Briefly, Gordon thought of how protective they were of Joshua in his vulnerability, and it made his heart skip a beat.

Gordon was starting to connect the dots, and he did not like the picture being drawn.

“Benrey’s past, their childhood, it was—it was bad, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy’s voice was a tense whisper as his hands gripped the steering wheel. “Benrey was… they were—you remember the aliens we found? In the labs, in cages?”

“Oh God.” Gordon’s breath left him in a shaky whisper. “I—how—when was this?”

“Black Mesa was just beginning their… their studies. On Xen. On the—the life there.” Tommy sighed and Sunkist whimpered as she sensed the uneasy atmosphere in the car. Gordon reached back to give her a reassuring pat. “I was ten when Benrey was brought in.”

“Wait, you… how…” The words caught in Gordon’s throat as he struggled to say them aloud. He was terrified of the answer. “How old was _Benrey?_ ”

“They—Benrey ages a little different, but developmentally, they couldn’t have been older than five.” Tommy’s voice sounded even and measured, his feelings set aside so he could explain. It was an artificial detachment, though. The way he chewed his lip and tapped the steering wheel betrayed his pent-up emotions.

Gordon was unable to give his own mind the same luxury. He’d seen enough of Black Mesa in its final days to know that ethics were not their first priority—Bubby’s treatment had made that clear. Seeing xem, an adult, trapped in the tube and in visible distress, had been bad enough. But now, picturing a younger Benrey— _young, so young, barely older than Joshie_ —in the same situation was enough to make Gordon speechless for nearly a minute.

Images were flashing through his mind, visions of horrors and worst-case scenarios, as he gripped the car door handle. He took a shuddering breath.

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

* * *

Benrey wasn’t paying attention to the movie Joshua had picked out. They hadn’t been able to pay attention to much all day. Not that they’d been inattentive of Joshua, of course—kid needed someone looking after him, and no way were they going to let him down.

They couldn’t shake the fear that they’d let _Gordon_ down already, though. Just… completely lost it right in front of him. Fell apart. But he didn’t seem disappointed or angry at the time, did he? He just… hugged them. That was good, right? It wasn’t saying goodbye, was it?

Well, it was kind of a goodbye, but not a _permanent_ one. He did leave, after all, but he was coming back. Gordon might’ve said he and Tommy were just going grocery shopping, but Benrey knew better. The two of them were talking. _Definitely_ talking about what had happened the night before. Every second spent waiting for their return just felt like torture.

Benrey trusted Tommy, though. If Gordon was asking him things, Tommy would be good about it. Right? He… he knew. He understood. He’d make sure things would turn out okay. Benrey would just have to let Tommy handle it—thinking in circles about it wouldn’t lead them anywhere. Just had to wait.

They had never been a very patient person. Not about this. Suspense was the worst feeling in the world, so they just needed to stop _thinking_ about it. It was okay right now. Joshua was happy about the movie, they were happy about Joshua, and then when Gordon got back he’d be happy about Joshua too.

When Joshua scooched over on the couch closer to Benrey, they didn’t hesitate in scooping him up and sitting him on their lap, where he leaned back against them to keep watching. Children, Benrey realized, made very good distractions from panic. Just by being around, Joshua kept them from thinking too much about—about last night.

_Don’t think about it._

* * *

“Are—are you okay Mr. Freeman?” Tommy asked, his hand on Gordon’s shoulder as they both knelt on a patch of grass. He’d pulled over on the side of the road as soon as Gordon said he felt sick, but the nausea was already beginning to quell.

“Yeah, I—I’m okay. Fuck. _Shit._ So they were—” Sunkist nudged Gordon’s hand and he hugged her, “—they were studied, held captive like, like Bubby was?”

Tommy’s silence and reluctance to meet Gordon’s eyes did not bode well.

“Bubby… Bubby has been through a lot,” Tommy began. “Xe was tasked with—with supervising Benrey, more or less. Had a lot of st—of shit happen to xem. But Bubby was never really a child. Benrey and I were the only—we were the only kids in Black Mesa.”

“Benrey… you’ve been friends with them for a while, right? Was that when you met?” Gordon kept running his hands across Sunkist’s fur as she leaned against him.

“Yeah. I was, um, I was allowed to visit them. Keep them company. We—I talked to them as much as I could, especially…” Tommy’s voice trailed off. He rubbed his fingertips against his sleeves, trying to collect himself.

“Especially what?” Gordon asked, already dreading the answer. Tommy didn’t give one for a while, but Gordon didn’t want to rush him. This wasn’t easy to talk about for either of them.

Finally, Tommy spoke again, but his voice was barely audible over the sound of cars going by.

“Benrey can’t die, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy’s eyes were barely visible to Gordon with the way he was turned aside, but there was a burning glow that was visible even in the daylight. “And they heal fast. That made—they were a valuable… test subject. It saved Black Mesa a lot of resources.”

Gordon covered his mouth with his prosthetic hand, the one not currently buried in dog fur. The nausea was rising again.

“They didn’t have to worry about… about blood transfusions. Recovery time.” Tommy’s grip on his sleeves tightened. “Anesthetic.”

Sunkist moved so she was between Gordon and Tommy, trying her best to provide grounding comfort to them both. Even then, there was only so much she could do. When Tommy went on, his voice was straining to keep steady.

“All they had—all they had to worry about was keeping them immobile.” He forced out a bitter laugh, one that Gordon had never heard from Tommy before. “It only stopped when they got too—too big to strap down. Too strong.”

Gordon was starting to feel much less grief for the scientists Benrey had killed.

* * *

Lunch, at least, was easy: open fridge, put leftover mac n cheese in bowls, microwave, and serve. Gordon Ramsay over here, master chef of the century. Undefeatable cooking talent.

“Alright, uh, deluxe super-secret recipe mac of roney and cheese is ready,” Benrey said as he set a bowl on the table in front of Joshua’s chair. “Don’t tell your dad I can make better pasta than he can.”

Joshua took a spoonful, chewed, and grabbed his tablet.

“Daddy made this yesterday,” he said, squinting suspiciously at Benrey. They laughed.

“Okay, okay, got me. Benrey Thiefman caught by Sheriff Joshie.” Benrey sat down across from him and ate their own bowl of lunch, trying to stay in the moment and not zone out. Zoning out and losing track of time would not be a good thing. Not now.

So Benrey was a little worried when they blinked and suddenly, they were putting Joshua to bed for his nap. Oops. Zoned out too much. How long had it been? Shit. At least it looked like nothing bad had happened. They vaguely registered Joshua’s hand waving in their face. Wait. Huh? What?

Oh, right, he was trying to sign to them. Benrey blinked again to get their eyes back into focus.

“Yeah kiddo, what is it?” they asked, actually _watching_ Joshua’s hand for signs this time.

“ _W-A-T-E-R,_ ” he spelled, and Benrey nodded. Right. Hydrate or die-drate, gotta get some beverage.

“Alright, water and then nap. Be back in a sec.” They walked out of Joshua’s bedroom and into the bathroom to look in the closet. Joshua’s favorite cup was somewhere in here, but where… oh. Crap. Of _course_ it was on the top shelf. Fucking Feetman and his stupid tall legs.

Benrey stood on tiptoe, trying to reach the _Toy Story_ sippy cup, but it was just high enough that their fingers only brushed against it. They reached up a hand onto what they thought was a stable hold, but turned out to be a lightweight container poorly balanced on the edge of the shelf. It shifted under their hand.

“ _Shit_ ,” was all Benrey had time to say before the avalanche began. Towels, rolls of toilet paper, a hairdryer, and a plain black box all slid and crashed to the ground, making a mess of whatever organizational system Gordon had. Oops. They’d apologize for that when he came back.

Once stuff had finally stopped falling, Benrey tried to pick some of it up, but instead found themselves frozen to the spot and staring at the miscellaneous debris on the floor. The innocuous black plastic box, something they had always overlooked before, had fallen open. Its contents, along with everything that had been pulled out of the closet, were strewn across the bathroom tile.

Benrey felt a familiar numb panic wash over their body in waves. They had hoped to never see those again. Not here. Not in a safe place. This couldn’t be happening. And yet, the evidence was right there—

Needle-tipped syringes, dozens of them, each in a sealed sterile package, covered the floor.

Why did Gordon have needles?

Why did he have so many?

And what the fuck was he _doing_ with them?

* * *

“So that’s what the flashback was about,” Gordon mumbled to himself when he, Sunkist, and Tommy were all back in the car. “No wonder they… I tried to get close, at first, and they were fucking terrified.”

“Yeah, when—when they’re like that, it’s a little—you gotta be gentle.” Tommy put the keys in the ignition and started driving off. “Thank you for helping them.”

“I was fucking clueless, man.” Gordon dragged a hand down his face. “I had no idea what to do, I just thought maybe a hug would help, and… well, apparently it did.”

Tommy nodded.

“Benrey’s very—they’re very affectionate. Physically. Hugs and things like that are—they like them a lot.”

Gordon stared out the window again as he recalled all Benrey’s requests for hugs and attempts at kisses in Black Mesa. He’d always assumed those were teasing or joking, but now he was starting to think about it in a different way. Fuck. First thing he was doing when he got home was just going to be hugging Benrey for a minute straight.

“So, um… we’re here,” Tommy said, snapping Gordon out of his thoughts. Sure enough, the car was in the parking lot of the grocery store. He must’ve been really out of it—he hadn’t even noticed them getting close. “Are we going to get—to buy the ingredients for that recipe?”

“The—right, right, yeah. The recipe. Yeah. Just let me find one first.” Gordon pulled out his phone as Tommy got Sunkist out of the car, putting her Service Animal vest on. Recipes, recipes, alright—this one looked doable. Good. They could just… cook and get their minds off things at home.

* * *

The sight of the all too familiar objects sent Benrey’s mind reeling as memories flooded it. They didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to remember, _didn’t want to remember_ the feeling of being held down as—

Benrey shook their head and swallowed the white and black sweet voice prickling in their throat. _No. Can’t panic. Do something. Think. Think._ Needles were bad. Needles meant fear and pain and hurting, they couldn’t let anyone get hurt. Think.

Why did Gordon need the needles? What was he using them for? What, or… who? Who could he be using them on?

_Joshua._

Benrey’s whole body went cold with dread. No. No. _No._ Gordon—he wouldn’t, would he? No, he—he wanted to protect Joshua, keep him safe, he’d never hurt his own kid, right? _Right?_ Was Joshua in danger?

And now that Benrey was here, would they be, too?

Everything was going much too fast and they were starting to feel nauseous. They had boxed up those memories long ago for a reason, and opening that box would only end in—in _bad._ Part of Benrey wanted to just stuff everything back into the literal and metaphorical box and forget this ever happened.

For once, they decided to keep the lid cracked open. Not enough for anything to escape, no—they weren’t ready for that. But if this was what Benrey was thinking—fearing—it was, then they were willing to face the terror if it meant keeping Joshua safe.

Joshua. Right. They came in here to get him some water. Moving like a puppet, Benrey reached up to get the plastic cup that Joshua liked. They filled it up from the sink, carefully sidestepping the mess on the floor, and walked back to the bedroom.

“Alright, here’s your cowboy juice,” they said with a forced smile. All the fear and dread and anger were pushed aside for now, trapped underwater where Benrey couldn’t feel them. They’d rise again, inevitably, but not with Joshua here. Benrey handed him the cup and he took a few sips before giving it back with a little signed “thank you.”

“Yeah, no prob. Have a good nap, kiddo.” They pulled the blanket up to Joshua’s shoulders as he rolled over and snuggled into his worn plush horse. Small. Fragile. Benrey hummed a thread of periwinkle blue and walked out, closing the door behind him. After a second thought, they sat down in the hallway in front of Joshua’s room.

_Time to play the waiting game, Feetman. You have some explaining to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _White and black is a flashback._   
>  _Periwinkle blue means I want to protect you._
> 
> art in this done by my friend!  
> inspiration also given by that same friend


	3. The Words Are All Escaping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the tags, y'all :)  
> edit: THE ART IS NOW COLORED WAHOOOOOO

The front door creaked as it swung open and Gordon stepped inside. Well, the house was still standing, and nothing was on fire. That was good. He could hear the sound effects of a game being quietly played upstairs—Minecraft, maybe?—that tipped him off to Benrey’s location. Gordon dropped the grocery bags off in the kitchen and headed up the stairs.

“Hey Benrey, did Joshua settle down for his nap alright?” he asked when he found Benrey sitting in front of the door, console in their hands. When they didn’t answer, didn’t even acknowledge his presence, Gordon felt a pit form in his chest. “Uh, Benrey?”

Once again, no verbal response. Benrey just powered the switch off and set it on the floor without looking at Gordon. When they finally stood and turned to face Gordon, the look on Benrey’s face was enough to freeze him to the spot.

Their pupils were narrowed into slits and their chest and throat were practically glowing with muted green and blood red. Though their posture was casual as ever, everything about their expression screamed with a tightly lidded rage that Gordon had never seen from them before. This was scarier than their wanton shooting of scientists and guards, scarier than the recurring skeletons, scarier even than their mad rampage on Xen.

“You’re not going in ‘til you answer some questions,” Benrey said. Gordon couldn’t tell if the tremor in their voice was from rage, fear, or something else entirely. “Found stuff in the bathroom. What is it for?”

Their clipped, sharp tone was completely unfamiliar to Gordon. It wasn’t like their pestering in Black Mesa, or even their blinding hot rage. This was _cold_ anger. It made his thoughts stutter to a halt as he tried to process the situation.

“Wh—there’s a lot of stuff in the bathroom, man, gonna have to be more specific,” he stammered.

Benrey started walking towards the bathroom door, motioning stiffly for Gordon to follow. When he saw the mess on the ground, and the needles scattered around, and the way Benrey was visibly trembling, all the pieces snapped into place. Fuck.

“Benrey, wait, I can—”

“What the _fuck_ is—what are they for? What have you been doing? _Why?_ ” Benrey’s voice was breaking, but they didn’t stop. “Why would—why would you hurt _Joshua_?” Tears were welling in their eyes.

Gordon took a step into the doorway.

“It’s _fine,_ man, just let me—”

“Don’t come closer!” Benrey snarled, their eyes darting between Gordon and the needles on the floor.

The decision Gordon made next was one he came to regret within seconds.

Despite Benrey’s warning, he took another step, stooping down the way he’d done the night before.

He reached his hand down to the floor to support his weight. It brushed against one of the needles. Benrey’s eyes snapped down to look at movement.

Everything after that happened in a blur. Benrey lunged forward with a panicked yell, their fingers shifted into razor-sharp claws. A screech of red and white blinded Gordon for a moment as he felt a slash against his shoulder. Just like that, he was back in Black Mesa. Back on Xen. Fighting for his life, running, shooting, trying to take down whatever was going for the kill. Letting instinct, adrenaline, and muscle memory guide his actions with no room for conscious thought. _Run. Dodge. Aim_.

 _Shoot_.

“Mr. Freeman!”

Gordon blinked, once, twice. His vision was still blurry, and he could feel his chest shudder with every heartbeat, but slowly he took in the scene.

He wasn’t in Black Mesa. He was in his house, in his bathroom. There weren’t any headcrabs or soldiers trying to kill him, just…

Benrey.

Benrey, who stood in front of him, pressed up against the wall, teeth bared, and clawed hands tensed like springs. Their eyes, wide and feral, were focused on a single point. Gordon followed their gaze to the end of his arm.

His right arm, outstretched, clenched into a fist, and pointed directly at Benrey’s head.

Gordon lowered his hand in a fast, jerky movement, not missing the way Benrey flinched. He stepped back into the hallway to give them space.

Immediately, Benrey took the opening and darted towards the door, only to turn and hide behind Tommy. Gordon looked at them both as the adrenaline-fueled numbness ebbed away and he was faced with the situation before him.

“I—” he began, voice catching in his throat, “fuck, I didn’t mean—I’m sorry, Benrey, I…”

Gordon was silenced as Tommy looked down at him, arm held out behind himself to shield Benrey. It was a struggle for Gordon to meet Tommy’s eyes with how bright they were glowing.

Didn’t take a genius to see how upset Tommy was. There was anger and sadness there, clearly, but over it all was such an intense look of _disappointment_ that everything else felt drowned out.

“I’m… going to take Benrey to my place for the night,” said Tommy, trying to even out his expression. “It’s—it’s been a long day.”

Gordon tried to respond, but his voice died in his throat and he could only nod. When he looked at Benrey, he could see that they weren’t quite as defensive as before, but by no means calm. He could only make eye contact with them for a second before they looked away again. There was a faint glow in their throat, but not bright enough for Gordon to decipher it.

He could tell they were upset, though. Probably afraid. Afraid of _him._

“Just for tonight?” Gordon finally asked, too ashamed to look up at Tommy’s face again. Tommy looked at him, then Benrey, and sighed.

“We’ll see,” he replied. “I’ll let you know.”

Tommy turned around and took Benrey’s hand, leading them down the stairs. Benrey cast one unreadable look over their shoulder up at Gordon as they walked out of sight.

The front door opened, then closed, and the house was silent again.

* * *

As soon as Tommy opened the door to the passenger seat, Benrey just noclipped into the back to be with Sunkist instead. Yeah, that was to be expected—she would probably be helpful to them right now. Tommy sat down at the wheel, and buckled his seatbelt, glancing into the rearview mirror to see Benrey with their arms wrapped around Sunkist and hugging her as tight as she’d let them.

“Sunkist, could—can you buckle them in, please?” Tommy asked when he noticed Benrey hadn’t taken the time to put their seatbelt on. Sunkist reached over and grabbed the seatbelt with her teeth, pulling it across Benrey’s torso and buckling them in. Once they were properly secured, Sunkist lay herself down on their lap and let them bury their face in her fur.

Tommy sighed and started the car. Alright. Benrey was not in a state to talk at the moment, so the conversation could wait until they got home. He kept checking the mirror to make sure they were okay as he drove home.

As soon as Mr. Freeman had walked into the house just a few minutes prior, Tommy could feel something _off._ There was too much energy, too much tension all cooped up in that space, and only one possible source. He hadn’t wanted to pressure Mr. Freeman into letting him in, so he hadn’t mentioned it, but now Tommy wished he had.

Maybe they could’ve avoided the situation. At least he hadn’t waited _too_ long to intervene—as soon as he heard Benrey yell, it was just a matter of freezing everything for a moment to get up the stairs to step in.

It hadn’t taken long to see that both Benrey and Mr. Freeman had been terrified. Their thoughts had left and they’d both been acting on trauma-rooted instinct: Benrey when they lashed out, and Mr. Freeman when he tried to shoot. Tommy chewed his lip as he gripped the steering wheel just a bit tighter. He shouldn’t have taken Mr. Freeman with him and left Benrey alone in the house. This could’ve been avoided so easily.

But Mr. Freeman hadn’t known Benrey’s history. Benrey hadn’t known that needles didn’t always mean there was a threat. Neither of them had really done anything _wrong,_ they’d both just done what they thought was best. It wasn’t, but they hadn’t known better.

As Tommy pulled into the driveway of the Coolatta household, he felt some of the weight lift off his chest. Now, at least, things could be cleared up.

* * *

Gordon wasn’t sure how long he stood outside the bathroom, staring at the needles on the floor. They were so mundane to him that it’d never occurred to warn about them. He’d been on hormones for nearly a decade at that point. But of course Benrey didn’t know. They couldn’t have known.

It wasn’t until Joshua tugged at his pants leg that Gordon finally moved.

“Uh, yeah cowboy, what is it?” he asked, rubbing his face and trying not to look as bone tired as he felt.

“What was all the noise?” Joshua signed, though his question was cut off when he looked up at Gordon’s shoulder. His eyes widened in alarm. “You’re bleeding!”

“What?” Gordon looked down to where Joshua was pointing. Sure enough, his shirt had been torn and there was a surprisingly deep scratch underneath. Oh. “Yeah, it’s alright, just a little accident.”

Joshua grabbed Gordon’s hand and started pulling him towards the bathroom. Wait. Shit.

“Hey, Joshie, hold on a second—let me clean up first, okay? There are sharp things on the floor. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Gordon stepped ahead and started picking up all the needles. At least none of the packages had ripped, so everything was still sterile. Good. He didn’t want to have to deal with pharmacy refills any more than strictly necessary.

Once everything was put away, he got the first aid kit and sat on the edge of the bathtub. Joshua rummaged through it as Gordon took his shirt off and ran an alcohol wipe over the scratch. It hurt, but it didn’t look like it would need stitches.

Joshua tapped Gordon’s arm once he’d found a band-aid of the right size—with a big Hello Kitty face on it. It took some effort to climb up Gordon’s lap to get the band-aid on the right spot first try, but Joshua was nothing if not precise. He finished off his first aid with a little kiss to the band-aid and hopped back onto the floor.

“All better!” he signed. Gordon put the first aid kit away and scooped Joshua up with a smile.

“Yep, all better.” As Gordon walked down the stairs, he realized he was going to have a little bit more cleaning up to do. “Hey, you want to watch a cartoon while I clean up a little?”

“Wanna play with Benny.” Joshua looked around as he signed, and his brows furrowed in confusion. “Where are they?”

“Oh, uh…” fuck. He couldn’t explain everything to Joshua right now. “Benny’s staying with a friend for a bit. I’ll ask when they’ll come back, okay?”

Luckily, Joshua seemed to accept that as an answer and left Gordon to clean the place up as another animated cartoon played on the screen. And there was a lot to clean up, but not in the way he expected. It wasn’t like there were dirty dishes on the table and spilled food everywhere.

Instead, he found empty bowls in the microwave. The milk was in the pantry and the fruit peeler was in the fridge. The hoodie draped over the back of a chair had two spoons and a saltshaker in the pocket. Cleaning turned into a screwed-up scavenger hunt to try and put things in their place.

It hadn’t been that Benrey didn’t care enough to tidy up, or that they hadn’t tried. Clearly, an attempt had been made, but apparently, they had just been so _out of it_ that nothing ended up in the right place. Gordon knew what that felt like—he’d had his fair share of brain fog days after a bad night.

He kicked himself internally as he re-organized everything. This could’ve been _avoided_ if he had just _known,_ if he hadn’t acted so impulsively, if he had just waited…

And now there was nothing to do _but_ wait.

* * *

Benrey hadn’t known just how good Sunkist was at comforting until now. The huge golden retriever was lying across their lap, letting them hug her and bury their face in the soft fur on her neck. She really was the perfect dog. The weight and pressure were just enough to make them feel safe without being stifling.

They felt her shift as the car came to a stop and Tommy opened the door.

“Hey Benrey, it’s—we’re here.” Tommy reached his hand out to Benrey as Sunkist stepped off their lap. “Do you need a minute?”

Benrey shook their head and took Tommy’s hand, letting him lead them out of the car and up the driveway into his house. Their other hand tugged at their shirt, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable itchy feeling that stuck to their claws. What _was_ it?

A glance down revealed that the source of the discomfort was the thin smear of dried blood stuck to their fingertips.

Oh.

They’d… attacked him. Hurt him.

Again.

_Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t—_

“Benrey?” Tommy asked, snapping them out of their spiraling thoughts again. “Do you—are you okay to be touched right now?”

Touch. Yeah. That sounded okay. Benrey nodded and Tommy sat down beside them. He was holding a washcloth in his hands. What was that for?

“Um, your hand, it’s… can I clean it off?” Oh. Right. Blood.

Benrey held their hand out to Tommy, letting him rub at it with the washcloth until their skin was finally clean again. They pulled their hand back when he was done, but still felt sick. The blood still got there in the first place.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” they whispered as their hands curled into Sunkist’s fur. Beside them, Tommy nodded.

“I know, Benrey.”

“He’s gonna be scared of me again,” they went on, breaths becoming shaky. “I fucked up, I didn’t—”

“It’s okay,” said Tommy, putting his hand on their shoulder. “You made a mistake. So did he. It’s—you’re not bad people, either of you.”

Benrey brought their hand up to rest on top of Tommy’s. He shifted to hold their hand instead, lacing their fingers together.

“I just… I thought that Joshua was gonna get hurt.”

“I know.” Tommy rubbed his thumb across Benrey’s knuckles and sighed. “You were just—you didn’t know. He didn’t know. You just did the—what you thought was best.”

“He’s—” a pearl of dull lime and yellow slipped out of their mouth as they turned to Tommy, eyes wide. “Joshie’s safe, right? He’s not— I—"

“Hey, Benrey, i-it’s okay,” Tommy reassured as he reached to hold Benrey’s other hand as well. “Joshua is safe. Trust me, if I saw—if anything made me think he was in danger, I would’ve gotten him out faster than—than a greyhound on a racetrack.”

Benrey nodded and leaned against Tommy as he pulled them into a hug. Sunkist shifted so she was on both of their laps and huffed as she lay her head on her paws. There was a lot of weight, a lot of pressure, but it felt good. It didn’t feel tight or restrictive like the restraints used to. Tommy’s arms around them, Sunkist on their lap, and their chullo on their head all helped ground Benrey and keep them from going off too far into their own thoughts.

There were a _lot_ of thoughts. Most of them were bad. Some of them were just questions like when they’d be ready to go back to Gordon’s. As Tommy pulled back and held Benrey’s hand again, a new thought popped up as they noticed something.

A worn, threadbare bracelet around Tommy’s wrist, the colors faded beyond recognition.

Benrey brushed their fingers against it and smiled. He _had_ kept it. Tommy looked down at it and sighed.

“It’s—I’m sorry, it’s kind of been falling apart. I wanted to make it—to keep it looking new, but it’s not easy,” he said as Benrey slid the bracelet around his wrist. “But there’s—I have more beads and string, if you want me to show you how to make new ones?”

Benrey nodded, eager to have a distraction. Something to occupy their hands and their mind was just what they needed.

* * *

Gordon didn’t manage to fall asleep that night. Every time he tried to, his thoughts just returned to Benrey. Were they okay? Would they come back? Did he fuck up too badly? Was Tommy angry at him? Every possible question and worst-case scenario filled his head as he tossed and turned.

He hadn’t known. He just hadn’t known. He shouldn’t have left, he should’ve talked to Benrey before Tommy, he should’ve just dropped the subject, he should’ve brought it up… every scenario seemed to lead straight to disaster.

Gordon rolled over and checked the time. Four AM. Sleep just wasn’t going to work out, apparently, he thought as he shuffled out of bed and put his glasses on. Tea, maybe—tea would be nice. He’d been meaning to start drinking less coffee. Not bothering to put his prosthetic on yet, he made his way to the kitchen and started boiling some water.

Maybe it would be worth it to send a quick text to Tommy. He’d probably be asleep enough not to see the message until morning, so it would give some time to calm down. That is, if Tommy had been angry at all—he hadn’t looked it, but then again, Gordon wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Tommy _truly_ angry.

Gordon grimaced as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He didn’t want to find out what an angry Tommy looked like.

 _Hey man,_ he typed out as he waited for the water to heat up. _Just wanted to say I’m sorry about yesterday and that I hope Benrey’s doing okay. And you, too._

Right. That wasn’t the most eloquent message he’d ever written, but it would have to do for his sleep-deprived brain. He put his phone down and turned the stove off before the kettle could start whistling and poured the water over a bag of chamomile tea in a mug.

The sound of his phone buzzing on the countertop almost made him drop the kettle, hot water splattering across the countertop as he cursed as quietly as possible. Shit. Who the hell was messaging him at this hour? He picked up the phone to see it was Tommy.

Well. He couldn’t exactly complain about Tommy messaging him in the middle of the night when Gordon was the one who sent the first text.

 _Thank you, Mr. Freeman,_ read Tommy’s message. _They’re doing better. You two need to talk about what happened._

Damn, straight to the point, alright.

 _I know. Is there a good time I can come over to talk?_ Gordon wrote back. He figured talking at Tommy’s place would be more reassuring than coming back to his own house or going someplace unfamiliar. He still hoped that Benrey being at Tommy’s wasn’t going to be a permanent change, though.

_Noon? I can order pizza for lunch :)_

Oh thank fuck, he was using smiley faces again. It was always kind of worrying when Tommy went too long without—especially after the way their last in-person conversation had gone. It was easier for Gordon to function now that he knew that Tommy wasn’t _too_ angry at him, at least.

_Sounds good. I’ll get someone to watch Joshie and come over._

_See you then! And get some sleep, Mr. Freeman. :)_

_Right, I’ll try. Thanks Tommy :-)_

One mug of chamomile tea and three hours of sleep later, Gordon sent a message to Bubby and Coomer asking if they could come over and babysit Joshua for a while. They hadn’t been introduced to Joshua yet, and while normally Gordon would have picked Tommy to be the first to meet him, that wasn’t exactly an option. For obvious reasons.

Bubby could be intense, but Coomer was good enough with kids to balance xem out. They would be okay on their own for a few hours—Gordon didn’t plan on being gone long. Whether or not he came back with Benrey was another question, and one he didn’t think he’d get an answer to yet. He could think about that later. Now, he had to explain to Joshua that he’d be gone for a while and that some friends would be coming to take care of him.

Joshua seemed a little nervous about it, but nothing that raised alarm for Gordon. Introducing new people was always hit or miss with little kids. Benrey had been a definite hit, judging by how often Joshua asked Gordon when they’d be home again. As much as he wanted to, he still couldn’t give a definite answer,

After the fifth such circle of questioning, with Joshua asking when Benrey would be back and Gordon once again saying he didn’t know, the doorbell rang.

“Ah, that must be them. Remember your rules, Joshie?” Gordon asked as he walked to the door. Joshua nodded and clutched his stuffed horse to his chest. He hid behind Gordon’s legs as the door was pulled open, Bubby and Coomer standing on the other side.

“Hello, Gordon! Hello, Joshua!” said Coomer with a friendly wave. Bubby stood behind him, xir features looking somewhat softer than Gordon remembered them being in Black Mesa. Looks like getting out of there was good for xem, too.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming in on such short notice.” Gordon stood aside to let them in, Joshua following along and only peeking out from behind his legs. “Joshie, this is Doctor Coomer and this is Bubby. They’re the friends I told you about, and they’ll be babysitting you for a few hours.”

Joshua looked out at them and waved, still looking nervous. He hadn’t reacted like this with Benrey—maybe it was because there were two strangers instead of one? Or maybe it was just some part of Joshua’s personality that would be difficult to concretely explain.

“They both know ASL, so you don’t have to use your tablet if you don’t want to,” Gordon went on before turning back to Bubby and Coomer. “There’s lunch in the fridge that you can warm up, and if he doesn’t want to nap you can watch a movie together until he falls asleep.”

“Yeah, I know how to take care of a kid,” said Bubby, rolling xir eyes. “We’ll be fine, Gordon.”

“We will be sure to call if there is any trouble! Now Joshua, I wanted to say that your horse looks very impressive. Do you think you can tell me more about it?” Coomer smiled at Joshua, who smiled back and ran up to him to start signing about Bullseye and cowboys. Gordon smiled. Right. He’d be in good hands with the two of them.

“Alright, cowboy, I’ll be back in a few hours,” Gordon said as he opened up the door to leave. Joshua turned around again, nodding.

“Will you bring Benny with you?” he signed, and Gordon grimaced.

“I’ll—uh, I’m not sure if Benrey will come back with me, but hopefully.”

Joshua nodded again, seemingly satisfied by the answer, but Gordon found both Coomer and Bubby staring at him in complete shock.

“I’m sorry,” Bubby began, fiddling with xir hearing aid as xe gave Gordon an incredulous look, “did I _hear you correctly?_ Did you just say _Benrey?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Scarlet and jade means angry and afraid_   
>  _Red to white means I’m going to fight_   
>  _Lime to yellow like a bus means I’m feeling nervous_
> 
> whew that was a rollercoaster wasn't it


	4. It Doesn't Deserve Such Treatment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the art from last chapter is colored now, go check that out if you haven't seen it already!

_“Did you just say ‘Benrey?’”_

Oh. Shit.

Only then did it occur to Gordon that neither he nor Tommy had told Coomer or Bubby that Benrey was, indeed, back.

“Gordon, if security agent Boper is indeed back, I think we both would have liked to know earlier,” said Coomer with a surprising amount of restraint.

“Yeah, no fu—no surprise!” seethed Bubby, barely stopping xemself from cursing in front of Joshua. “A little heads-up would’ve been _nice_.”

Gordon looked at xem with his brows creased slightly in worry. Despite looking pissed at him for not telling either of them about Benrey’s resurrection, xe didn’t look angry _about_ Benrey being back. Had xe missed them, too?

“I’m—I’m really sorry, guys, it’s been really hectic the past couple weeks and it completely slipped my mind. I’ll—”

Bubby cut him off with a wave. “It’s fine. Quit your excuses, you’re wasting my batteries. Is Benrey at Tommy’s?”

Gordon nodded. “Yeah, it’s why I’m going over there. I kinda messed up and need to talk to them.”

“Great. The second you come back, we are heading straight over. Now get going and fix whatever you screwed up again!” Bubby said with a half-affectionate shove to Gordon to get him out the door. He laughed and waved at the three of them as he walked out.

“Alright, alright. Have fun, don’t set anything on fire!”

“No promises, Gordon!” Coomer called back as he closed the door. Gordon chuckled to himself. Still the same old scientists, he supposed. He zipped his jacket closed as he began the walk to Tommy’s house. It wasn’t a very long way off, and he didn’t think he was at all in a state to drive.

He definitely _wasn’t_ stalling the inevitable confrontation.

Not at all.

Gordon didn’t even give himself the chance to back out when he was finally at Tommy’s house. He rang the doorbell as soon as he stepped onto the porch, trying not to look too nervous as he waited. This would be fine. What was the worst that could happen?

Actually, don’t think about that. The worst that could happen would be _very_ bad, and Gordon didn’t particularly want to have a panic attack before he even stepped inside. Tommy opening the door snapped him out of that spiral before he could get too far, thankfully.

“Hi Mr. Freeman, come on in!” Tommy greeted with a smile. As Gordon stepped inside, he caught a glimpse of Benrey sitting on the couch. They only met his eyes for a second before turning away. Yikes, that wasn’t a good sign.

“Hey Tommy, hey Benrey, I, uh… wanted to just talk for a bit about what happened yesterday,” said Gordon, rubbing the back of his neck. Tommy nodded.

“Alright, let’s—let’s sit down, then.”

When the three of them were finally sat down in the living room; Tommy and Benrey on the couch, Gordon in an armchair, and Sunkist laying on the floor between them; Gordon finally broke the silence that had settled in.

“Okay, so I’m gonna start with, uh, the needles.” He sighed as he ran a hand through the wispy strands of his hair that had escaped his ponytail. “They’re for my T injections. They’re not for Joshie at all, just for me.”

The hesitation from Tommy and Benrey in answering triggered a deep-seated fear in Gordon’s chest. They—they were _safe_ , to come out to, right? Obviously, they were, what with Benrey and Bubby, but fuck, what if he misjudged and he should’ve just stayed stealth and—

“Aren’t you supposed to drink tea?” Benrey asked, completely deadpan.

Their question, accompanied by a genuinely confused expression, completely derailed the panicked train of thought running through Gordon’s head.

“What—no, dude, not tea like the drink,” he stammered, unable to suppress a smile. “T. Short for testosterone, you know?”

Benrey blinked at him. Gordon realized, belatedly, that Benrey probably did not know what _that_ meant, either. He sighed. Okay. So this was going to be a whole explanation happening now.

“It’s hormone replacement therapy. I’m trans, uh, assigned female at birth but I’m a guy, so I do hormone injections to have facial hair and a deep voice and stuff.” That was enough of an explanation, right? “So, uh, the needles are for the hormones I take. It’s not anything dangerous, and I keep them where Joshie can’t find them and get hurt.”

Benrey appeared to visibly relax when Gordon explained what the needles were for. Tommy squeezed their hand with a reassuring smile.

“See, Benrey? He—Joshua is safe. But you—you were just doing what, what you thought was best.” Tommy gave a relieved look to Gordon, who nodded in return.

He had to admit, it certainly made him feel some kind of way to have seen Benrey so visibly protective of Joshua. They had been willing to put their life on the line for a kid they’d only known for a few days. Even if that meant he’d been on the receiving end of a pretty nasty scratch, Gordon couldn’t deny being kind of proud of them.

Finally, Benrey spoke again. “So if you… how’d you have the dick slip then?”

This time, Gordon was completely blindsided as he doubled over laughing. Of all the conversation topics, of all the things they could have asked, all the really serious shit that had just happened, of course _that_ was what Benrey asked about. God, he’d missed them.

“It’s—that was my packer,” he managed eventually through his giggles. “Must’ve gotten fucked up when I put on the HEV suit.”

Benrey just nodded, apparently satisfied with that explanation. Tommy looked like he was trying to hold back laughter for their sake. Gordon still needed a minute to collect himself because what the _fuck,_ man.

“Okay, so, that’s…” he cleared his throat. “Now that that’s been cleared up, uh, I… don’t know if Tommy told you about this, but… we talked yesterday.”

Gordon didn’t miss the way Benrey’s hand gripped Tommy’s tighter. Right. This was going to be uncomfortable for everyone involved, but it had to happen. It was like pulling a splinter out. Sure, it hurt, but it was better than just leaving it in. He took a breath and pressed on.

“He told me about… about Black Mesa, and what happened. What they did.” The memory of Benrey broken down in front of him, the conjured images of what they’d gone through as a child, threatened to bring tears to Gordon’s eyes. “And I— _fuck,_ man, I’m sorry.”

Benrey was quiet for another moment before speaking up.

“Bro, you couldn’t have just asked me that?”

This took both Gordon and Tommy aback as they looked at Benrey.

“I was already upset, could’ve asked if I was okay with you knowing,” they went on, tugging at their chullo strings with the hand that wasn’t already holding Tommy’s. “Can’t just go digging around for my backstory and shit. ‘S against the rules.”

Gordon was silent as Benrey’s words sunk into him. He really had crossed a boundary. Fuck. In his hesitation to respond, Benrey kept going.

“And Tommy, you—you shouldn’t have just told him everything and not asked. It’s my traumatic backstory and shit. I don’t… I don’t just want everyone knowing everything behind my back, man.”

Now it was Tommy’s turn to look guilty. He gave Benrey’s hand a quick squeeze, but Gordon spoke up before Tommy could.

“I… you’re right.” Gordon looked down, shame clear on his face even without sweet voice to announce it. “I should’ve talked to you first. I’m really sorry.”

“I-I’m sorry too,” Tommy added as soon as he got the chance. “I didn’t—I wanted to help you, but it was—I did the wrong thing by assuming you couldn’t just—by not asking you first.” His voice was wavering at the edges, still trying to keep steady.

Benrey’s head abruptly turned towards Tommy and then Gordon, their eyes wide. A couple orange and blue balls of sweet voice trailed off from their half-open lips. Gordon didn’t recognize the colors, but the rest of their expression made it clear that they hadn’t been expecting an apology of all things.

“I get why you don’t want just anyone knowing about what happened. You didn’t— _nobody_ deserves to have gone through that,” Gordon went on. “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. Of crossing your boundaries. And I get why the needles freaked you out. Triggers are… they’re bad. I know.” He rubbed his right arm as he spoke, just above the point where the prosthetic attached. The prosthetic that was set in the place a minigun used to be. A minigun that Gordon would have shot Benrey with.

He looked up at them again, making brief eye contact as silent regret passed between them both. There was a pause before Benrey finally spoke up.

“I’m sorry too,” they began, voice barely above a mumble. “I… hurt you. Your arm. Again.”

“Hey, it’s okay, I totally get why you freaked out.” Gordon smiled at them in a way he hoped was reassuring. “You _did_ give a very clear warning. It was kind of on me for fucking that up.”

Benrey’s eyes still wouldn’t meet Gordon’s. Apparently, they weren’t convinced yet, so he kept talking.

“Actually, I’m—I don’t really know how to say it, but… you would’ve put your life on the line to protect Joshie.” Gordon gave Benrey another smile when they glanced at him for a second. “If anything, I kinda trust you more now.”

That made Benrey look up and face him, a conflicted expression on their face.

“No—how?” they sputtered, letting go of Tommy’s hand to grip the couch cushions. “You shouldn’t, after everything, I—”

A quiet _ding_ from the doorbell stopped Benrey in their tracks. Tommy took advantage of the interruption to get up and answer the door, coming back with two flat cardboard boxes in his arms.

“The—the pizza’s here!” he announced with a chipper smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “How about we take a break to eat?”

Gordon and Benrey looked at each other as the unsaid words hung in the air. Tension was high, emotions were volatile, and neither of them wanted to make the situation more stressful than it already was.

“Yeah, a lunch break sounds good,” said Gordon, standing up from the armchair and glancing at Benrey. “We can pick this up later, mkay?”

They nodded and followed Gordon and Tommy to the dining room. Gordon noted with concern the way their face was still creased and twisted with… fear? Dread? Anger?

Whatever it was, he had a feeling he’d find out soon.

* * *

Pizza was a good food, Benrey decided as they ate. Granted, they hadn’t gotten the chance to try all that many foods. Gordon kept saying he’d make all the cool dishes for them to taste, but Benrey wasn’t sure he’d want to go through with that anymore.

They didn’t _get_ it. Why did Gordon still trust them? Why wasn’t he angry, or scared, or yelling, or _something?_ Gordon should be at least as scared of Benrey as they were of him.

Well. Not… really. They weren’t afraid of Gordon. Not now. No, right now, Gordon was just being all chill and nice and all “it’s okay, I understand” at them. He wasn’t scary.

He would be, they reminded themself. Gordon _would_ be scared and angry once he found out about what they’d kept silent. Sure, now he knew about the lab shit that happened when they were a kid, and that made him less mad and stuff, but he still didn’t know everything.

He didn’t know everything that happened on Xen. He didn’t know what they had been _thinking._

Benrey’s chest tightened into a knot as another realization wormed into their head. Tommy didn’t know either. But he—he was smart. He’d figure it out, and then he’d tell Gordon and everyone because Benrey had _fucked up,_ and—

They took another bite of pizza and chewed it methodically to distract from the building anxiety. This was gonna go so badly. It was going to hurt. But if they were going out, they were going out on their _own_ terms.

When they moved back to the living room after an artificially cheerful lunch, Tommy surprised Benrey by sitting in the armchair before Gordon could. He gave them an encouraging smile and a nod.

Fuck.

On the couch with Feetman it was, then. Benrey sat against the armrest, pulling their legs up onto the cushion and practically shrinking into the corner of it. Gordon sat on the other side, looking much more like a normal human being and not a gargoyle. He turned to Benrey and they focused on the extremely fascinating lint on the rug instead.

“So, uh…” Gordon began, fidgeting with a loose strand of hair, “I won’t deny that I was kinda scared yesterday. In the bathroom. But it wasn’t _you,_ you know? It was just… it was like I was back _there_. Instinct, I guess.”

When Benrey nodded but didn’t say anything, Gordon took it as his cue to continue.

“But after, I was just scared _for_ you. I was… afraid that I hurt you. That I’d fucked up too much and that you wouldn’t feel safe at ho—at my house anymore.”

Benrey took one of their chullo strings into their mouth and started chewing it. They’d rather chew on the hoodie’s strings, but they’d forgotten it at Gordon’s. Where he was afraid that they didn’t feel safe anymore. They took a moment to think about it. They didn’t feel… _un_ safe there. Not now that Gordon had explained what the needles were for. Sure, they’d rather not _see_ the needles, but at least they knew that nobody was gonna get hurt.

Not because of those, at least.

But they still wouldn’t feel safe as long as they were hiding what they knew. Gordon and Tommy would _hate_ them when they found out. Benrey couldn’t let that happen when they had already gotten comfortable and close again. It would just hurt more.

Benrey briefly wondered if they could still respawn. They wondered if they would need to.

Best to get it over with now. Make it hurt a little less.

“Remember Xen?” they said, the string falling out of their mouth. Gordon nodded, but Tommy was quick to interrupt.

“That—Benrey, we’ve already moved past that, it… it was terrible for all of us, you included. It wasn’t _you_ ; it was—it was the influence of the planet.” His hands rubbed back and forth over the fabric of the armchair, trying to stim out the anxiety he was holding back. “We—I don’t hold it against you.”

Gordon nodded, casting worried looks between Tommy and Benrey. When his gaze landed on Benrey again, they looked away, trying to force down the lump in their throat. They weren’t sure if it was sweet voice or… something else.

Why was Tommy so nice? Why was he just… such a _good person?_ They didn’t deserve it, they didn’t deserve any of it, they…

They had to come clean.

“It _was_ me,” Benrey mumbled. “It… you’re saying it like I was just a puppet or video game character or something. Being piloted and mind controlled and all that. I wasn’t.”

The room was utterly silent. Benrey couldn’t bring themself to look at either of them. They couldn’t bear to see their faces, to see the fear and rage and betrayal that they _knew_ would be there, but they couldn’t stop now.

“Xen doesn’t—it’s not some kinda puppeteer. It gets in your head and makes everything feel so big and scary and loud, but it didn’t control me. I decided what to do. I chose to… to fight.” Benrey could feel their hands trembling, hear their voice beginning to fray. The edges of their vision looked like dark static, like they were zooming out too far to try to leave their body. Leave their head. Leave _everything_ about this situation behind and disappear.

“And I chose wrong,” they choked out as their fists balled up the fabric of their shirt. “I chose wrong, and I hurt you, because I was scared, and angry, and Xen was scary, and I didn’t want you to shoot, I…” Benrey closed their eyes as they pulled their legs to their chest, breaths already getting shaky.

“I didn’t want you to die,” they whispered, muffled by the position they were in. “I didn’t wanna kill you, I didn’t wanna die, I just wanted everything to stop. I… I just wanted to go _home_.”

Every breath was a struggle not to let their voice break, not to spill sweet voice everywhere, not to let tears start falling. They couldn’t hold on much longer. Whatever Gordon and Tommy were going to do, Benrey just hoped they’d do it quickly.

They heard movement from next to them on the couch and couldn’t suppress a flinch. Benrey braced themself for yelling, for Gordon to just run, for a gunshot, for _something—_

And instead, they just felt a hand on their shoulder. Warm, steady, comforting, nothing like the physical or emotional hurt they were expecting. Benrey turned their head just enough to glance at Gordon.

They only had a second to process the tears welling in his eyes, the way his mouth was pressed thin like theirs was, the incomprehensibly _soft_ look to his face, before they felt his arms wrap around them.

This… Benrey hadn’t planned for this. Gordon held them close and they couldn’t stop themself from clinging to his shirt in return.

“What—why’re you…” their breath hitched as every second brought them closer to the edge. “Aren’t you gonna get angry? Gordon—Gordon Meanman? I was… I’m the badguy, man, you don’t…”

Gordon shook his head and Benrey could feel his hand rubbing circles into their back. They took a shuddering breath that ended up sounding uncomfortably close to a whimper.

“You’re not s’posed to—to do this, it’s against— against the rules, bro,” they stuttered. Despite their protests, Benrey found themself holding on tighter. “I’m not…”

“It’s okay.” Gordon’s soft whisper cut them off before they could go on. “It’s okay. You… you made mistakes. So did we. It was… Xen, Black Mesa, the military—it fucked us all up. But you’re not irredeemable, Benrey.”

Gordon pulled back a bit and Benrey was afraid that the hug was over, but Gordon didn’t leave. He looked down at them as the tears blurring his vision finally spilled from his eyes. Gordon brought his hand up to hold their face and gently brushed them away with his thumb. Benrey found themself paralyzed as Gordon started talking again.

“You’ve changed. You’re trying, you’re learning, and I—I’m proud of you, man. You’re still trying to fix things, to be kind, and I don’t… I don’t hold what happened before against you.” He smiled, even as his own voice was starting to get choked up. “Not anymore. It hurt, and I… we can’t get over it all overnight, but you’ve really been trying, and that’s enough.”

Gordon pulled them back into the hug, leaning his face against Benrey’s head as they squeezed their eyes shut and bit their lip. His hand rubbed their shoulders again, trying to soothe their trembling.

“It’s okay, Benrey,” he whispered. “I forgive you. It’s alright. We’re gonna be alright.”

Benrey clutched his shirt, took one last thin breath, and broke into muffled sobs. They couldn’t hold it anymore. It was too much, too much, and they didn’t understand why Gordon was _forgiving_ them. They didn’t deserve it. They didn’t deserve this warmth, this kindness, another chance…

Beside them, they felt the couch cushions dip and another hand on their shoulder.

“He’s right, Benrey,” said Tommy, sounding very close to tears himself. “We’re—we’re going to be okay.”

Another pair of arms wrapped around them and Benrey let themself melt into it. They still didn’t think they deserved any of this, but shit, if Tommy believed they did, then…

Maybe they _could_ get better. _Be_ better.

Maybe they could actually be worth it all.

* * *

It took a while before anybody was ready to let go. Gordon kept holding Benrey until he finally felt their shaking subside, and a little bit longer after that. It gave him some time to think about what he’d said—what they’d both said.

He didn’t regret a word of it. He did forgive Benrey. That didn’t mean he wasn’t still traumatized, that didn’t mean everything was perfect or that he was over what had happened in their past, but it did mean that he could give Benrey the chance to have a clean slate.

They could move forward from this, move on, get better, and they could do it together.

Tommy was the first to pull back, but he still kept one hand on Benrey’s shoulder.

“Are—how are you feeling?” he asked them, sniffling a little. Benrey turned their head just enough to spit out a couple golden-yellow sweet voice bubbles and give him a grateful smile. “Yellow like hay means it’s okay. Alright. I… I’m glad.”

“Mhm,” Benrey mumbled as they gradually shifted away from Gordon again. Their hand still lingered on his arm, and it felt warmer than Gordon expected it to. “Kinda tired now.”

“Right, yeah, we’ve been talking for a while,” Gordon added as he reached out to tug Benrey’s chullo back into place where it was starting to slip. “Should, uh, probably get back home to Joshie.”

Silence blanketed the room again as Gordon looked at Benrey, hoping against hope for an answer to his unasked question. When they looked up at him with a hesitant expression, he put his hand on theirs and smiled.

The shy, hopeful smile the gesture brought from Benrey was blindingly bright. Gordon felt the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen and tears prick at his eyes again. It had been too long since he’d seen that smile.

“Yeah,” Benrey finally said, turning away with a pink and yellow blush on their cheeks. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

Bubby paced in circles around the couch as Harold played Connect 4 with Joshua in the living room. Xe noticed the occasional worried glances xir husband was giving xem, but xe couldn’t do anything about it at the moment. Xe took xir phone out again, re-reading the last text Gordon sent xem.

_Hey, on my way back with Benrey now. We’re okay, and they know you and Coomer are waiting there. See you soon._

Okay. Okay. So xe wouldn’t need to go all the way over to Tommy’s just to see Benrey, but that meant xe _also_ had a _lot_ less time to mentally prepare xemself. _Fuck._

What was xe supposed to even say?? _Hey kid, welcome back, sorry we killed you! No hard feelings? You’re clearly super traumatized and I feel responsible for at least some of it, but then again, we’re all unbelievably fucked up! Sure wish I’d known you were no longer dead earlier than weeks afterwards because Gordon ran his fucking mouth!_

It was getting _nowhere._ Xe didn’t even know what to expect. Benrey was prone to so much change, so fast, and they always had been—their personality during and after the Cascade had been so different to how they’d been as a kid that xe wouldn’t have recognized them. And that wasn’t even beginning to get into their behavior on _Xen._

Bubby wasn’t used to worrying this much. Gordon was the one that did all the worrying. Bubby just took things as they came and didn’t bother twisting xemself into knots about possible scenarios. But maybe if xe had worried more, xe’d at least have more _practice_ and know how to _react._

The smell of burning fabric momentarily snapped xem out of xir thoughts as xe looked down at xir now singed sleeves. Shit. Xe _just_ fixed those. Stupid fucking… stress sparks fucking up xir clothes. At least they didn’t get on the carpet. Or Joshua. That was probably why Harold had taken him into the other room, actually— good planning on his part. Burning children was definitely worse than burning a really ugly shag rug.

Maybe xe could just go outside and set something on fire to burn off the excess energy. Yeah, that might help, xe could just grab a paper towel and put it on the brick patio and—

 _Ah_.

 _Shit_.

That wasn’t going to happen apparently, because xe heard the door open behind xem as Gordon—and, of course, Benrey—stepped inside. Bubby turned around, xir eyes meeting theirs.

Fuck.

Xe didn’t know what xe expected—an avalanche of thoughts and feelings and memories, maybe? Anger? Regret? Anything at all—but it wasn’t the unnerving blankness that filled xir head.

Gordon looked between the two of them. Benrey held their mouth shut, but their eyes betrayed anxiety. Bubby took one step forward, then another, and finally closed the gap with one swift motion that had Benrey pulled into xir arms.

Benrey barely hesitated before hugging back, head resting on Bubby’s shoulder. Clearly it had been a long time since xe’d held them—last time, they barely reached xir chest. They hadn’t felt so desperate in their grip last time, either.

Bubby huffed out a laugh as the two of them were tackled by Harold and Joshua, with Harold’s arms extending around them both and Joshua clinging to Benrey’s leg. Xe pulled back just enough to get another good look at Benrey. They looked so different than they did in Black Mesa. Just a few weeks of rooming with Gordon was enough to make them look healthier than xe’d ever seen them. Maybe xe’d have to thank him.

“Kept us waiting long enough,” Bubby said, xir voice underlaid with affection as xe messed with their hat. “Welcome back, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be more coming but i will be taking a break from posting this series to give myself time to write and edit more!

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment if you'd like, they make my day :>
> 
> art by gummyworm (tumblr)


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